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konnichiwamonday

Journeys and Insights

Rehab and Reality

4th day on my 365

I had a chance to visit my uncle today in rehab. I didn’t get to take pictures, apparently electronic devices are not allowed within the premises. It was a first for me. It is true that you only get to really understand the reality of something until you experience it first hand .

I’ve known my uncle to use illegal drugs since i was little. From the moment I could understand what it was I’ve known it. To say my whole life would be exact in a sense. But it was just recently that my extended family, his brothers, my mom and grandmother decided he needs to finally be admitted. It wasn’t so much as us not believing that he needed help it was more of the financial and emotional commitment we need as a family especially my grandma to finally come up with a plan for him. Unless a person addicted to something admits to himself that he needs help I’ve always believed that there will always be a possibility of relapse at some point. I haven’t seen him since June. He was hospitalized for a couple of weeks before he was admitted. And relatives are not allowed to visit before Christmas

It’s been 7 months since then and honestly I didn’t know what to expect when we got there. I guess it was more of us being in a room with him or something I really don’t have any idea. But we get to a big basketball court with hundreds of people each seeing loved ones after the new year. It was the last day of what they call the open house where most family members can visit apart from immediate family members. It was like a picnic within the compound. They were wearing white tucked in their shorts without pockets.

Finally seeing him looking so alive and well kind of tugged my heart. He looked so bright and cheerful. Not the person I’ve known so clouded and Incoherent. He was counting the days left before he gets to go home. And it probably be the true battle of his life once he gets home when all rules are off and it’s all him in the real world.

I saw young kids, teenagers, old men. I was so struck by how young the age group is. Apparently my uncle was actually one of the oldest in the group he’s in his 50s. But looking at the faces of these people I cannot fathom the severity of the situation. Teenagers below 15 years old get to be admitted. When I saw my uncle he confirmed that they also have kids as young as 7 years old with them. Imagine the monstrosity?! It’s freakishly unacceptable but reality right Infront of me tells me otherwise.

I’ve had my share of trying some and enjoying it bit it was more out of curiosity when I was younger. Then you get over it as quickly as you grow older. But in reality not all of us can detach ourselves so easily. Some do it to forget but for kids to be there? It’s just too heartbreaking for me. Add in the families they have left behind, some of which have wives and new born babies visiting them every other week.

I am speechless. I have no words for them. This is how the world really is, it’s not all flowers and sunshines. No unicorns and not all have their happy endings to write about. Some after this stint may even go back to their old lives. I don’t know why I’m writing this. I don’t even know what I’m driving at. It’s just that today, reality knocked on my door. And somehow it reminded me that we need these kinds of experiences to see the bigger picture.

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My 365 Days to 30

The first entry in a very long time. Apparently my last post when i checked was March 2013. its weird isn’t it how time flies so fast one minute you’ve just graduated College trying to figure out what to do with your life and then here i am a year shy of being 30!

It was a funny story actually of how I’ve come to terms on the BIG 3-0. My best friend actually messaged me through messenger and told me she wants us to reserve the date for her birthday so we can travel and celebrate her 30 years of existence. She is actually just a few months older than me, about 5 months to be exact. I’m not really sure if it was because of the lack of sleep or my mathematical capacity was really whacked or my counting just stopped when i turned 27 but yeah i was assuming she was just 28. HA! and here i was declaring to everybody how i’m that sweet young and vibrant 27 year old (nope not even a woman) girl. And so i replied with my ever annoying confidence “Wait, What? aren’t you  just 28?” and then that BIG BANG THEORY kind of reply she sent me was just wow massive reality bite ” 29 nako teh!” (Im 29). Okay so wait let me make this clear, this was around 6 or 7 am without caffeine to help me grasp this major revelation. LOL so my reaction was “WTF! wait no, no you must be mistaken, 29? no! No way!”. Being the half brained girl that i am on mornings i actually tried to confirm this with the “Boyfriend” and asked him what my age was, ” your 28 turning 29 this year”

BAAAAMMMM!!

Hello? Hello? yes i was speechless. for about a minute. i was totally spreading the wrong age for the most part of this year. lol but yeah whatever, that’s why this blog entry came about. In a few days i’m turning 29 and in 365 days will be 30. its a milestone for any individual, its not because i’m scared to get old no not really, i don’t feel old at all. its just the reality that well I’ve been roaming this earth far longer than i realized. It made me think of the last 29 years of my life. No not that dramatic your-life-flashing-in-front-you stuff, more of wow-ive-been-blessed-and-i-know-theres-so-much-more-in-store-for-me-after-this kind of feeling.

This is a personal blog I’ve tried to work on time and again,  and realized i guess it would be fun to document my journey to 30. if someone reads this well i hope you enjoy it as much as i will.

Cheers for fears! 30 here i come! 🙂

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Goodbyes

The saddest part of letting go is never being able to say goodbye.   It took me awhile to process this thought. It never really occurred to me until last night that which this sentence is coming from is quite true. I always believed that somehow if you choose a path and you hold onto it the inevitable will happen which as an over thinker that I am should have been foreseen and are prepared for so goodbyes are not necessary. It just comes and then you drift no closure, no nothing. You just go on living believing that someday probably your paths will cross again. I’ve experienced this so many times over. These people they come and go. Initially things just work unimaginably great, like there’s this never ending horizon ahead of you with no end in sight. But I was always wrong. It ends just when you think that life couldn’t get any better. It just dies out, dies its natural death, slowly but surely with no goodbyes. Just the unspoken understanding that well its time to let go and then you realize you’re back to where you started.

I’ve always hated that this whole scenario is a fact that cannot be changed nor altered. Anyone, anywhere in the world is bound by the laws of life that at some point in their merrily wonderful lives someone special will eventually leave them without goodbyes, like someone dying or moving on. Then it leaves you feeling empty, with a void that can never be replaced by anyone. It’s like a whiff of poisonous air so awful it makes it harder to breath, so hard that everyday it’s a struggle to even think. To wake up, to function, to feel alive. Just because of this God awful word Goodbye. The most depressing part is when the other seems to have no idea how, why and when it happened.

But the thing is, everybody needs closure. Each one of us needs that formal dialogue and be able to close that one window, that ending to every story. FIN. That’s when we find ourselves being able to move on. There’s always something awful about goodbyes but really that’s the most remarkable thing about it as well. Because then you get to have that new phase again. Be hopeful that somehow someday someone might just choose to stay and be part of something you think would be a great thing.

“The world will break your heart ten ways to Sunday. That’s guaranteed. I can’t begin to explain that. Or the craziness inside myself and everyone else. But guess what? Sunday’s my favorite day again. I think of what everyone did for me, and I feel like a very lucky guy.”  – PAT, Silver Linings Playbook

“Have you ever …

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it?

It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.
You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you. Then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life.You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.

It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

I hate love.”

― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones

The truth about LOVE

It took me awhile to build my own world and build my own thought bubble as big as the it can get, believing on things and just minding my own business. And then i see you and with that simple smile that looked like itll swallow me whole everything else turned severely out of proportion and burst my thought bubble that i have carefully built through the years.

Its weird trying to talk about this whole subject to me really. Its the first time ive actually ventured into writing something cliche but amazingly awesome subject. When i was younger as idealistic i might be back then i always believed that love can conquer all. The only important thing in a relationship apart from having someone to share it with of course was the fact that you are madly inlove. I mean thats the real deal isnt it? As long as there is you and me nothing else matters. “You and me against the world” kind of thing. You talk for hours and hours, like you cant get enough of each other and the world seems to fly by so fast that a day is just like an hour for the both of you. Yes the blissful beginnings of a budding relationship.

But as blissful as it seems there will always come a point when things do get a little shaky, small arguments and jealousies here and there usually is the start of it all. It happens. I onced thought that these little misunderstandings were always part of relationships. They make it more interesting in a way. I mean whats the fun in not arguing right?

It actually took me years of hits and misses until i found my way around these things. I got older and wiser on my decisions with subjects and situations concerning us. I got to know him better, memorized his likes and dislikes, of what works and what doesnt for and between us. As you grow you learn how to cope with change and deal with things other than what concerns you. You learn how to forgive and forget. To adjust certain things to accommodate the other then you realize relationships isnt all about love alone.

Love in most cases have its advantages and disadvantages. Id like to say that its more of choosing to interact and live with someone other than yourself. That smile youve always loved and the touch youve grown to always miss. Excitement and hopefulness.. missing and wanting. Joy and euphoria. These are all part of it but with love also comes defeat, pain, angst, frustration, jealousy and inhibitions as well.

Love is a beautiful thing if youve learned to accept all these. It is not all the time that we find it so joyful and sweet. It can get nasty sometimes too. The pain you feel is like 100 times more destructive than anything else. Love is sacrifice, giving and receiving, sharing and owning.

The beautiful part about it is you feel that everything’s so real and raw. And that makes you feel alive and human.

Gaining, Losing and then some.

Probably the worst “kill-me-now” moment that i have ever come across with was when you see a familiar face in a crowd and he/she catches your gaze only to realize you totally forgot his/her name. Personally i cant seem to learn from that situation especially when you meet a lot of people in your job alone. Situations are worse when meeting with old friends you haven’t seen for a while, that awkwardness to start that conversation only to cut him off mid conversation to squeeze in the “im sorry, whats your name again?” millionaire question of the day. i must say i am a veteran in those kinds of situation. i never were really good at remembering names or birthdays. ( to my God Sons and Daughters i am so sorry Auntie has short term memory loss.. Parents you have been warned! hehe)

Just today a good friend of mine has resurfaced from the missing friends in FB list and decided to graciously re-invite friends after a long hibernation. this made me realize that friends do really come and go don’t they? Some i find missing after awhile, some i immediate look for, while some just disappear without me even knowing it. its a sad realization of life. We stick to the ones we feel more comfortable with, those whom we feel understands us the most, those who we think will bring out the best in us. im not just talking about friends per se but with family members and loved ones as well. They make me feel nostalgic at times. there was that feeling that things will not change between friends when you’ve spent most of your youth with them but then you drift apart…. for whatever reason you have no idea. maybe because of the lack of time, a change in interest or distance.

Thing is people change, it is a given fact of life. we grow and learn new things, meet new friends and gain new knowledge and with this we evolve in to the person we believe we should be. I have met friends which i thought would last me a lifetime but drifted out to nothingness, friends whom i thought would not stick around but surprisingly stayed for good and there are those who just remained as acquaintances.    

 

I like to believe that as a person grows older its basic instinct to go back to where our roots are. Back to Basics as they say. Because those who have known you first will be the ones to tell who you really are.

 

RANDOM THOUGHT TODAY 🙂  

It pays to look up sometimes

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Its refreshing to see another blue sky in an ordinary mundane day.

Of mental breakdowns..

Just today I read an article at Pitchfork regarding Michael Angelakos, the head vocalist of the band Passion Pit. The article recounted the gist of Mr Angelikos’ background from the making of Manners (their 1st album) to Gossamer their most recent release. There were a lot of highs and lows but what made it so interesting to me was the fact that with Michael’s state of being, he made it a point to still act as normal as possible. He was Bipolar after all. Im thinking he has the severe case. He was In and out of the hospital, even going through an attempted suicide which he eventually regretted and got embarrassed about.

Ive had my share of mental breakdowns myself. Well not that severe of course but you know what I mean. It was
never that seriously disturbing but it was pretty bad. I do believe that people go through these at least once in their lifetimes when things just gets shitty and complicated to the point that it gets overwhelming and suffocating and you just don’t know where to go or what to do about it. I remember having a conversation with my mom how complicated life is. I was trying to dodge the conversation saying life will not be that complicated if you think about it too much but then she countered it saying you cant run away from it every time.  It was true, so so true. I wasn’t able to say anything about it anymore, the cliché “Don’t take life seriously, because no one really does” is just as shitty as saying “everything will be okay” to a person who just lost a precious someone. It doesn’t help. Never have, Never will.

But with all of the dramas and complications of pure mental breakdowns it all boils down in knowing that everything will pass and this is just a phase. It may resurface, it may fade through time, it may even wont go away altogether but will just drift like a log in a lake. Not all of us will understand them, we might even say that they are truly crazy but for me these people need all the help they can get. Treat them like normal individuals and lets just hope they will get through this like most of us does. I guess thats what makes us humans afterall. It just sucks sometimes though.

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How cool is her hair?!!! Raddest hair! 👍😊

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